If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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