Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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