She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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