I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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