I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
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