I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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