I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
