i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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