fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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