Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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