But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
