Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
