Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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