Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
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The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
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I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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