I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
