There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
