shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
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