By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
