I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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