I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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