I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
