Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
