party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
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