Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
