Old men and throwing up are my life now.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
