This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
