if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
