I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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