Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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