The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
