it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
