Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
