I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
it's like iHOP with fire
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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