i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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