I'm pants shitting drunk right now
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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