I cockslap morals
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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