I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
