Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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