Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
