did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
So apparently I’m into choking now
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
