so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
