just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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