I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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