Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You need Xanax blowdarts
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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