I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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