come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
