Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
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I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
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We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize