Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
