I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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