we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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