Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You made out with two different species that night
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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