Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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