I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
