my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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