Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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