My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
