Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
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